Yesterday the Internets were ablaze with z-shares and zip files of Eminem’s much anticipated album, Relapse. It seems every release by any rapper of note leaks these days, but a May 7th leak for a May 19th release date can do a lot of damage—even to Eminem.

But, while most of the hip-hop blogosphere has already digested the album and decided whether or not they like it, some of us at GIANT think Eminem may have a game-changing trick up his sleeve.

If you’ve listened to Relapse then you know that the majority of the album is a maniacal and murderous marathon helmed by Em’s alter-ego Slim Shady. If this is actually the real album, then it leaves much to be desired. But would Em really return from a five-year self-imposed exile to drop a revved-up caricature of himself spitting about serial killing and pill-popping? We just don’t see it.

Our hypothesis is that this “Leak” is not the real album at all, just a collection of crazed throwaway tracks. Or perhaps it’s the mixtape that should have led up to the album’s release. Another theory is that the Relapse that hit the net yesterday is only disc one of a double album.

Em says it himself on the second to last track of the album. When Marshall drops off the final copy of Relapse to the always angry Steve Berman, Steve says “What’s this shit? Two CDs?” Em replies “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you man, it’s two albums.” Then he exits the room.

There have already been rumors that Mr. Mathers will drop two albums this year, but Relapse is too redundant and incomplete to be either of them in their entirety.

No Em, “We don’t believe you, you need more people!”

Marshall Mathers may be a bit crazy but he is also multi-faceted. We’ve heard very personal, political and insightful records from him before and he has been through way too much in his personal life to not come clean here.

Keep in mind that Em has dealt with prescription drug addiction, a second divorce from Kim, the adoption of a second daughter and the murder of his best friend ALL since his last album, Encore, came out. He has also raised his beloved and often-mentioned daughter Hailie Jade.

We find it highly unlikely that an Em comeback album would not meaningfully address Hailie or Proof. Would not berate Bush, kill Kim or critique society. Em’s pen game is still mean and his lyrics and storytelling are on point, but his genius has more meaningful content to address. Unfortunately outside of “Deja Vu” and “Beautiful” Relapse chooses to focus on a sick-minded marauder raping, pillaging and torturing innocent bystanders. Slim Shady may be a chainsaw-wielding psycho, but Eminem and Marshall Mathers are not.

Let us not overlook the fact that the reclusive perfectionist known as Dr. Dre would probably not make his return to hip-hop with these beats. Relapse‘s production isnt bad by any means, but none of the tracks are jaw-dropping sonic revelations.

Remember that Dre has been hibernating too. He has been cuddled up with Detox for the last eight years refusing to release it till its juuussst right.  We can’t imagine a scenario in which Dre would return to society with the batch of instrumentals featured on Relapse. He and Eminem are both capable of too much more.

The highly unlikely coup that could knock rap on its ass if it came to be, is if Detox is the second disc of Relapse. The theme would work to symmetrical perfection and Em could redeem himself over Dre’s dopest shit.

Maybe we’re just conspiracy theorists, but we can’t believe that one of rap’s GOATs would return just to rant and rave. We know that Eminem is doper than this and have a suspicion that his marketing genius is about to be revealed too.  For all the aforementioned reasons we are calling Relapse a Tour-de-Farce. If we’re wrong, chalk it up to our own paranoia.

But if we’re on to something, remember you read it here first.

-Lukas Brekke-Miesner