If Rappers Played Sports…

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    Most rappers rhyme about being the next MJ, but we’ve seen hoop dreams deflate like a true fiend’s weight (no Weezy). Without succeeding in the rap game, here are a number sports where the following emcees would see greatness.

    Drake (Wheelchair Basketball)

    The only question would be whether the back of his jersey will read “Graham” or “Brooks.” For reasons of nostalgia, we’d like to see the latter.

    T.I. (Riflery)

    His passion for the sport—going as far as participating in it in shopping mall parking lots—has him sitting in the jail for the next year.

    Fat Joe (Sumo Wrestling)

    Because he’s fat.

    Max B (Surfing)

    Because he’s wavy.

    Rick Ross (Baseball)

    Because he’s a fraud.

    • Sidebar: The Clipse could continue their profession as drug dealers by pushing Balco and badges to The Boss.

    Kanye West (Mascot/Cheerleader)

    Nobody is better at shamelessly promoting his own cause or that of his homies. “I believe Drake has the potential to be bigger than me, to be one of the most important wheelchair basketball players of his generation.”

    Asher Roth (Ultimate Frisbee)

    Asher seems to enjoy becoming a caricature of college leisure. We will aid his effort by allowing him to frolic barefoot on the lawn with some brews and his brosefs.

    Charles Hamilton (Tetherball)

    Tetherball, as you may know, doesn’t require any friends.

    Consequence (Wood Chopping)

    Well, we went there.

    - Lukas Brekke-Miesner, Devin Chanda & Shahendra Ohneswere

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