MTV Hearts Bloodsuckers

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    Twilight cleaned up at last night’s MTV Movie Awards

    OMG you guys!!!!!!  Twilight won five golden popcorn statues at the MTV Movie Awards, including Best Movie and Best Kiss!  That officially makes it the GREATEST MOVIE EVAH!!!

    J/K everyone.  Even if the franchise’s deposed director Catherine Hardwicke seemed to think all the wins meant something, the rest of us–including the movie’s stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, who  spent the whole evening rolling their eyes–were well aware that the MTV Movie Awards is an even bigger joke than the People’s Choice Awards.  There’s a reason why none of the winners bother preparing a speech; they know that no one really wants to hear them talk anyway.  Instead, the night is mostly about advertising upcoming teen-friendly movies (Harry Potter VI!  Transformers 2!) and “outrageous” comedy bits that are passed around on the web the morning after.  To that end, MTV tapped the viral video genius Andy Samberg to host the show and put together a series of his popular short parodies with his Lonely Island cohorts.  So rather than waste time recounting which film won which fake award, here’s a recap of the best and worst clips of the MTV Movie Awards’ 2009 edition.


    An Explosive Song Parody
    A worthy companion piece to Team America‘s brilliant “Montage” parody, “Explosions” was classic Lonely Island, combining a great hook (“Cool guys don’t look at explosions!”) with hilarious and unexpected guest star cameos (way to rock out on the keyboard J.J. Abrams!)  Bonus points for working in a clip from Con Air, the most awesome action movie ever made.

    Sucking Face
    See what I mean about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson not giving a shit about this ceremony?  Too bad these guys never get the chance to be funny in the Twilight movies!

    Old School Gaming
    Judging the muted crowd reaction, MTV’s target audience has never heard of the film Doubt or the SEGA Genesis.  Too bad for them, because for this ’80s kid who also dug Doubt, this was an inspired gag.  Where can I download a copy of Flynn’s Revenge?


    Cover Artists
    Sounds like a funny idea in concept: LeAnn Rimes, Chris Isaak and Forest Whitaker sing some of Lonely Island’s biggest hits backed by a full orchestra.  In execution though, this stunt fell flat, largely because it was next to impossible to actually hear the lyrics.  Still, the sight of Oscar-winner Whitaker belting out the words to “Dick in a Box” is too bizarre to pass up.

    Eminem gets a face full of Bruno
    Recreating Howard Stern’s infamous Fartman entrance back in the ’90s, Sacha Baron Cohen descended from the ceiling in full Bruno regalia (sans pants) and landed ass-first on planted audience member Eminem.  The rapper proceeded to throw an “authentic” hissing fit and stormed out of the theater.  It might have been funny if we actually believed Eminem was really offended, but apparently Em has forgotten all of his acting lessons from 8 Mile.

    Technical Fail
    Apparently the writers didn’t write enough material for the two-hour show.  How else to explain this stupid time-filler where some random guy impersonating a “Technical Award Winner” humps his statue for what feels like ten minutes?  Get this right guys: “Dick in a Box” = funny.  “Dick on a Statue” = not funny.

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