Concerts are great. You get to see the act that you’ve listened to on your ghettoblaster or have seen on television and you get to see them share their craft live on stage. With plenty of silver smoke and white fog, pyrotechnics, exhilarating music and costume changes for beautification, what else could you ask for accept for gift wrapped performances? It’s like they are holding a show just for you in your backyard… with several hundred other people in the audience. And these are some of the people; you’re more likely to see:
Women who bring newborns in their strollers
What is the point you ask? No one wanted to watch the hell spawn, so she brought the child to see one of her favorite artists of all-time. She figures, the child will rest and be good-natured. Then, disaster! No doubt, she starts to plow people over with the baby stroller in order to leave the grounds of the concert. All the while, we’re hoping she doesn’t try to mow over an obese mongoloid that may keel over on to the baby if she does.
People who say the titles of the songs before they play
iPods are great, aren’t they? They give you a track listing of you favorite songs and sometimes, they even show you the album cover. So, when you are at a concert. Why does one feel it is okay to shout out the name of the song? Granted, one may not be familiar with the title of the song that the artist is playing, but isn’t there a better way to express your joy?
The Obnoxious Drunk
“For the umpteenth time, we get it! You’re drunk, and quite honestly, its not adorable.” Ever hear these thoughts ring out of your skull? Well, it’s more likely to happen again at the concert. These dingbats, whose cups runneth over, are noted for spilling beer and other spirits on music lovers, groping anyone in their sights and loudly shouting at the performers and set crew. Why? Who knows? But the party in their heads does.
The Push and Shove Reject
More than likely, the cause for most fights in a stand-up event is the supposed rock’em sock’em push-and-shove bad-ass who feels that a little “light touch” will move the crowd of people to opposite sides and make a clear way to the first row. The problem is—quoting Heath Ledger as The Joker in The Dark Knight—what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object?
The Social Butterfly
It’s not so bad when you are in a seated area, but if you are a stand-up concert hall or a mosh pit in an outdoor musical affair, this can be rather jarring. Imagine if you will, a person standing in front of you, and a long-lost friend spots them. Now, imagine if that friend had five other long-lost friends. It’s noisy and there are too many people around to really concentrate on the concert, and one may consider leaving. Now, imagine if the social butterfly and their one friend knew an additional ten friends between them…
Maybe it’s acceptable if you’re one of Lady Gaga’s “little monsters,” or Beyoncé’s rambunctious “[insert name] Fierce” friends, but anywhere else its probably just as annoying as watching a bunch of tween girls get a makeover at Claire’s. The Super-fan brings bigger, brighter and better cardboard signs than a paranoid post-apocalyptic paparazzo. They dress up like the star they have paid their lifesavings to see live in concert and are louder than the entertainer on stage. Have you seen them before? Like Highlander, there’s always one.
Seriously, this annoying stand alone chatterbox confessional ranks among Oprah Winfrey, Larry King, Howard Stern, Tyra Banks and any other talk show ham. They will talk, talk, talk the entire time… and often, not in relation to the concert. When they do, it’s all critique or all data, factoids and statistics. Who wants that? Maybe their friend, the Richard Roeper wannabe.
The Gadget Whore
It’s never nice to call a person, regardless of gender, a whore. But quite honestly, what do you call a person who uses more technology than a streetwalker uses come-ons in a red light district? Like The Talker, these people are notorious for intense conversation, however, it’s usually communication on a hyper-advanced, future-xenophobic sci-fi technological device. If you think talking on your BlueTooth is annoying, imagine loaded conversations on blue screen soapbox pocket computers or obnoxious talking on the newest hand-held cellular device! You start to wonder, “with all the devices, why don’t you buy the concert DVD?”
You know what we’re talking about. This classically-trained dancer is not your average Alvin Ailey or Wade Robson wannabe. Oh, no… they transcend them. They know all the moves, all the grooves, all the snaps and all the twists, and they can outdo any backup dancer or backup singer on stage or music video. How do they get your attention, they are all elbows. Watch your solar plexus!
The Luv Couple
Isn’t love grand? Not when you’re watching one of favorite acts and the Siamese star-crossed shotgun wedding bells couple is making out in front of you, smacking to the back beat of your favorite jam. Why are they there? Are they there to make you jealous? Probably not. Are they there for the concert? Intentionally yes, but practically no. Are they there to conceive their first born? Now, that’s more probable.