It’s common knowledge that the Golden Globes rank just ahead of the People’s Choice Awards as one of Hollywood’s biggest scams. But ya gotta give the Hollywood Foreign Press Association–the shadowy group of 95 international entertainment “journalists” that hand out these awards–credit for carving out a niche for themselves as the Oscar’s little cousin. Any writer/director/actor remotely interested in getting a shot at winning an Academy Award has to put in face time at the Globes lest they be forgotten about in the awards season crush. (Unless that star happens to be Sean Penn, who didn’t bother turning up to watch Mickey Rourke beat him out for the Best Actor in a Drama tropy. He’s either confident he’s got the Oscar in the bag or he doesn’t care because he’s already got one at home.)
Despite the considerable star wattage, the Globes telecast always feels like a second-class affair compared to the glitzy Academy Awards ceremony and last night was no exception. Filled with technical errors, terrible presenter banter and mostly predictable wins, it was a long, slow three hours. That said, there are two things about the Globes that keep us coming back for more: 1) The copious amounts of alcohol consumed by everyone present, leading to memorable faux pas that everyone at home can laugh about the next morning and 2) Those brave souls (hi Ricky Gervais and Colin Farrell!) who aren’t afraid to point out what a farce the Globes are, thus saying what everyone else in the room is thinking. A full list list of Globe winners can be found here, but in the meantime, we’d like to hand out our own awards.
Best Red-Carpet Moment: Mark Wahlberg calling Jeremy Piven out on the so-called “mercury poisoning” that led him to back out of his Broadway stint. The whole hilarious exchange can be seen here. Things to watch for: Piven’s “I’m going to fuck you up once the cameras are off” glare at Wahlberg; Tiki Barber’s deer-in-the-headlights response as Piven mumbles out some lame explanation about why he’s feeling better; Wahlberg’s smirk while Piven tries to explain himself, clearly not buying anything the guy is selling. Simmer down guys–you still gotta shoot another season of Entourage together! Unless Piven gets some other kind of rare food malady that requires him to quit that show as well…
Worst Presenter Pairing: Sean “Diddy” Combs and Kate Beckinsale looked as if they’d rather be anywhere than standing next to each other onstage.
Best Presenter Pairing: Ricky Gervais + Half-Full Glass of Liquor = Comedy Gold.
Worst Histrionics: Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that Kate Winslet got some awards love but one would think she had just won a Noble Prize the way she was carrying on in both of her acceptance speeches. Save the waterworks for the Oscars, Kate. Crying that much at the Globes just makes you look kind of desperate.
Best Cocaine Reference: Colin Farrell, saying his itchy nose was due to a cold and not “the other thing it used to be.” Although with all his stammering and jittery limbs, the supposedly reformed and rehabbed bad boy was obvioulsy high on something last night. We’ll choose to believe it was life.
Best Face of Post-Racial America: Tracy Morgan, the new spokesperson for 30 Rock now that Obama’s in charge. Just deal with it Cate Blanchett.
Most Random Winner: Anna Paquin for True Blood. Apparently the HFPA were the only people that watched that show.
Most Deserving Winner(s): Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock; Mad Men for Best Drama; Sally Hawkins for Best Actress, Musical or Comedy, Mickey Rourke for Best Actor, Drama; Wall-E for Best Animated Feature; Slumdog Millionaire four Soundtrack.
Least Deserving Winner(s): Slumdog Millionaire for everything else it won; Kate Winslet for The Reader (it’s not a supporting role people!); Bruce Springsteen for Original Song; Paul Giamatti for John Adams
Scariest Celebrity of the Night: Renee Zellweger. I’m no fashion expert, but even I know that dress is damn ugly.
